Browsing articles from "June, 2016"

Brandon from Windows

By Rob Warner  //  Uncategorized  //  No Comments

I just got a call from “Brandon from Windows” that I wish I’d recorded. He, of course, told me (in a Bangalorean accent) that my computer had malware issues. Our conversation went something like this:

“Brandon”: This is Brandon from Windows. Your computer has malware issues.

Me: Oh, no! Should I throw it away?

“Brandon”: No, we can fix it. Are you in front of your computer now?

Me: Yes

“Brandon”: Is it turned on?

Me: Yes

“Brandon”: What do you see on the screen

Me: (Hmm . . . dilemma . . . do I tell him I have iTerm2 in fullscreen, running tmux, with one pane running vim, one running gulp, and a third prompt for running git commands? Nah.) Um, I see some icons. And some clicker things.

“Brandon”: OK, let’s look at your keyboard. Do you see, in the lower left, a control key? It might say “CTRL”. 

Me: Yes. Is that how you control my computer?

“Brandon”: No. What key do you see to the right of that key?

Me: (Panic time. I have three keyboards in front of me: 2 MacBook Pros with keyboards and a Logitech K750 Mac keyboard. I don’t remember what key Windows keyboards put next to the control key. Is the jig up?) Um, the option key.

“Brandon”: We are looking for the Windows key. Do you see that?

Me: (Phew) Yes.

“Brandon”: Hold that down with one finger, and press the ‘R’ key.

Me: Capital “R” or lowercase “r”?

“Brandon”: It does not matter. Any “r” will work.

Me: (Mind racing — how can I yank his chain about “any r”? Maybe the “r” from a different keyboard? Nah — over the top.) OK.

“Brandon”: What do you see?

Me: (Ooh, that “run a command” thingie.) A dialog box?

“Brandon”: We are looking for the Run Dialog. Is that what you see?

Me: Oh, yes.

“Brandon”: OK, type the following: e as in echo, v as in victoria, e as in echo, n as in november, t as in tiger, v as in victoria, w as in whisky, r as in romeo, and press enter. What do you see?

Me: (I got nothing. Mind is blank.) File Not Found. It says File Not Found.

“Brandon”: No, what do you see on your screen?

Me: (I’m sticking to my guns here) File Not Found

“Brandon”: Let me get a senior support person.

“Joshua”: Hello. My name is Joshua. I am a senior support technician. What do you see on your screen?

Me: (I ain’t changing my story now!) File Not Found

“Joshua”: OK, do you see the Run Dialog?

Me: Yes.

“Joshua”: OK, let’s clear it all out.

Me: (Wishing I were funnier — just like my children do) Clear it ALL out? Or just the part you type in?

“Joshua”: Just the part you type in.

Me: OK

“Joshua”: Now type e as in eagle . . .

Me: Wait! “Brandon” said e as in echo!

“Joshua”: It does not matter. It is all the same e.

Me: Oh! OK.

“Joshua”: e as in eagle, v as in victor, e as in eagle . . .

Me: Ah, eagle again.

“Joshua”: Just the e.

Me: OK.

“Joshua”: n as in november, t as in tiger . . .

Me: Are these supposed to be uppercase? Or lowercase?

“Joshua”: All lowercase.

Me: OK, e as in eagle . . . n as in november . . . does it matter that it’s not November yet?

“Joshua”: Motherf****r


This was my public service for the day — the entire time they were talking to me, they WEREN’T scamming your parents!


I'm Rob Warner, and I'm a software developer. I live in Jacksonville, Florida, and work for Availity, LLC. The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Availity.